We Lost Stewie

by Sara

We lost Stewie our Pug Monday 03/22 and I still can't eat or sleep. He would've turned 14 in May and I've had him since he was a baby, 10 weeks old.

He had MCT cancer, was completely deaf and mostly blind. Due to Covid and my being a flight attendant, I've been on leave the past year and have spent every minute with my baby, trying eye drops to help him see, oncologist appointments to cure his cancer that returned after only 5 months of the first surgery.

I still feel like there must've been something I could do. I didn't leave the house EVER unless he could go with me. He loved car rides so his car seat is still in my car, which I haven't been in since Monday.

The last minute decision to euthanize him is tormenting me, remembering him looking at me to help him before he went unconscious. We did it because his tumors became ulcerated and bleeding. My husband insisted he was in pain as he refused to eat, so he couldn't get his Benadryl and Prednisone.

The oncologist said we could bring him the following day but I couldn't bear to watch him quiver and what I believed was suffering at the time so we rushed him to the vet and he's gone now.

I just want the pain to go away. I can't stop crying uncontrollably.

His tail was pointed straight down for the first time and even when I'd play with his tail and try straightening it, I couldn't so it really threw me into panic mode. He was always either laying on me, next to me or at least my foot was touching him if I was sitting down. He followed me to the bathroom, everywhere.

I loved him so deeply that I can't stand the pain. It's hard for me to even pay attention to our dachshund because she wasn't always nice to him, she'd nip him if he came too close because he couldn't see.

I'm just sick about it.