Funny Dog Quotes
To Give You a Chuckle

These 26 funny dog quotes are by authors whose surnames start with "K" and "L." Most will make you laugh or guffaw. Some will amuse you, and others will simply bring a smile to your face. But hey, a smile is always better than no smile!

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.

Margot Kaufman

Guests.

Guests are people who come to your home to see you whine at the table, bark loudly, jump on women wearing pantyhose, and do other tricks which you wouldn't think of doing just for the family.

Peg Kehret, The Doggie Dictionary

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

Craig Kilborn

She is such a scene-stealer. She's got these lashes and big eyes, and when she walks on to the set everybody just says "ooh."

Greg Kinnear, about the dog Jill, who played Verdell in
As Good As It Gets

When I played Lady Day, I took Aba onstage with me as a joke. He started singing—in tune!—and the audience loved it.

Eartha Kitt, when asked what tricks her poodle did

Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

Lisa Kudrow, as Monica,
Friends television show

The dog is like a liberal. He wants to please everybody.

William Kunstler

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Ann Landers

If a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm.

Hut Landon

The next-door neighbors had a German police dog that... acts as a bodyguard for the lady of the house and one day we was over there and the host says to slap his Mrs. on the arm and see what happened so I slapped her on the arm and I can still show you what happened.

Ring Lardner

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

Doug Larson

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater... suggest that he wear a tail.

Fran Lebowitz,
"Pointers for Pets," Social Studies

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Fran Lebowitz

The dog is dressed just like me at the climax of my act.

Gypsy Rose Lee, about her Chinese Crested, also known as the Chinese Naked Dog

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Jay Leno

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Jay Leno

Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican.

Jay Leno

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Jay Leno

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

David Letterman

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

David Letterman

I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.

Wendy Liebman

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

Wendy Liebman

I was like, what the hell is my life coming to? I'm a trained actor! I've done Shakespeare and here I am having farting contests with an imaginary dog!

Matthew Lillard

The only food he has ever stolen has been down on a coffee table. He claims that he genuinely believed it to be a table meant for dogs.

Jean Little

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Jay London

Muzzle a dog and he will bark out of the other end.

Malcolm Lowry