Funny Dog Quotes
To Give You a Chuckle

These 22 funny dog quotes are by authors whose surnames begin with "D" and "E." Most will make you laugh or guffaw. Some will amuse you, and others will simply bring a smile to your face. But hey, a smile is always better than no smile!

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.

Charles Anderson Dana,
"What Is News?" in The New York Sun

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was haunted by trainers going "Up, up, up, get up." You find yourself picking your head up and then realizing, They aren't talking to me.

Jeff Daniels, about shooting the film
101 Dalmatians

The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can't afford to keep a yes-man.

Robertson Davies

He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.

Honoré de Balzac

When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary.

Honoré de Balzac

My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who drove a car.

Mazo de la Roche

She never sat down in a car but stood, braced tense, facing the wind. Now and again she would turn her face toward me with an apologetic expression as though to say: "I have not forgotten that you are here but there are certain pleasures I cannot share with you." Her nose never ceased its sensitive quivering.

Mazo de la Roche

The more I see of the depressing stature of people, the more I admire my dogs.

Alphonse de Lamartine

The more I see of men the more I like dogs.

Madame de Staël

Dog owners are out in all kinds of weather. They tell you it's small payment for the love their dogs bear them. Some love. If that dog weren't on a leash, he'd be off after another dog, a cat, or any stranger walking along the street with a wet bag of meat.

Selma Diamond

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Phyllis Diller

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive.

Kirk Douglas

Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting.

Dr. Ian Dunbar

Animals generally return the love you lavish on them by a swift bite in passing—not unlike friends and wives.

Gerald Durrell

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.

Nora Ephron

Stevie Wonder always smells so good... I'm like a DEA dog, I can smell people a block away!

Gloria Estefan

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

Alisha Everett