It is almost six weeks since you left me, precious. The pain is easing because, and only because, I know you are in a better place. You are young and rejuvenated. How delighted I am to imagine that. And you are surrounded by people who loved you here, and some of your doggy pals who went on before you.
I thought it would be painful to watch video clips from years ago, but I found that they only reinforced what I just wrote. Do I miss you? Oh, you'd better believe it.
No one to fight with, or play with -- to the extent possible in the last months. No helper to lie on the bed while I tried to put clean sheets on. So many little things that pop into my head. I still cannot face eating popcorn or turkey. I am jumping other hurdles, though.
I know you want me to be happy, sweetie. And I want to be happy. Have you seen the two large posters I have hanging in our bedroom? Oh, I smile so brightly when I see them. Two of the best pictures you ever took.
There were plenty to choose from. And there are all those where you decided blinking would be fun. You rat! Oh wait, you told me (ha ha) that I was the rat.
You were my helper and best buddy. I think you understood far more than I gave credit for, and believe me, you got a lot of credit.
I realize now that you knew the end was coming. You started to pull away from me, I now realize, a little at a time. That last Saturday we had together was so wonderful. Just simple joys we shared at home.
You got some spaghetti noodles, we slept in, you pushed popcorn out of my bowl, you barked at a cat, we sat outside a bit... then you climbed up on the couch and I thought you were going to fall asleep. I bent over and kissed you lightly on the head four times and told you to "rest."
You got down and went to the bedroom, where I found you the next morning. The spirit, I will always maintain, prepared me for that walk down the hallway.
When I smelled poop, and the fact that you would not have slept so late, I knew. Still, making the discovery just tore me up. But right when I bent down, my inner voice said, "There was nothing you could have done."
You are now buried with my first beagle baby. I know neither of you are in that grave, it is only your empty earthly shell. Your spirits are soaring.
I can't tell you how many thoughts have entered my mind...seeing you flying around the skies with wings, seeing your tease your grandma, seeing you meet your grandpa for the first time...possibly your litter mates, your parents, etc.
I just know you are so happy and loving and excited. That makes it bearable.
I miss you so much. I am trying very hard not to be sad, and I am adopting a dog tomorrow. I need the companionship, sweetie.
You set the bar really high, though. I can't call her a replacement, and I hope I don't find myself constantly comparing the two of you. It isn't fair to anybody. Please help us adjust to each other. Bring your love around me anytime!!!!!
I love you, baby. You will always be my baby beagle daughter.