Funny Dog Quotes
To Give You a Chuckle

These 34 funny dog quotes are by authors whose surnames start with "H," "I" and "J." Most will make you laugh or guffaw. Some will amuse you, and others will simply bring a smile to your face. But hey, a smile is always better than no smile!

I tried to get my dog to practice safe sex. But he keeps licking the condoms off.

Tim Halpern

Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity.

Margaret Halsey

I can't tell you how much we laughed on the set to have Alec Guinness in a scene with a big, furry dog that's flying a space ship.

Mark Hamill, referring to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Chewbacca in the first Star Wars trilogy.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Christopher Hampton

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

Jack Handey

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Jack Handey

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

Jack Handey

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.

Jack Handey

In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.

Jennifer Hart

His herding instinct is so strong that he confuses tractors on a baseball field for sheep. He was hospitalized twice. Once by a line drive and once for attacking a tractor tread.

Tom Hayden, about his border collie

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Mitch Hedberg

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.

Cynthia Heimel

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.

Cynthia Heimel

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Robert A. Heinlein

I like them all—pointers, setters, retrievers, spaniels—what have you. I've had good ones and bad of several kinds. Most of the bad ones were my fault and most of the good ones would have been good under any circumstances.

Gene Hill

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies.

Gene Hill

If you feed your dog a chip be prepared to stock up.

Jessica Hofland

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

Bob Hope

You may have a dog that won't sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she's too stupid to learn how but because she's too smart to bother.

Rick Horowitz

About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.

Edgar Watson Houe

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

Aldous Huxley

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who've had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"

"Well, if you put it that way, I think you've got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry."

Eddie Izzard

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?"

"Fido looks a bit weird."

Eddie Izzard

People have been asking me if I was going to have kids, and I had puppies instead.

Kate Jackson

She lies about her age and weight and is slightly older than Rocket. But they've been a couple for eight years, longer than most in Hollywood.

Kate Jackson, referring to her dogs

They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.

Clive James

Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs.

Jerome K. Jerome

They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation.

Jerome K. Jerome

With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog.

Edward Jesse, Anecdote of Dogs

He is so shaggy. People are amazed when he gets up and they suddenly realize they have been talking to the wrong end.

Elizabeth Jones

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

Franklin P. Jones

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

Franklin P. Jones

When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism!

David Starr Jordan

I used to look at Smokey and think, "If you were a little smarter you could tell me what you were thinking," and he'd look at me like he was saying, "If you were a little smarter, I wouldn't have to."

Fred Jungclaus