Funny Dog Quotes
To Give You a Chuckle

These 32 funny dog quotes are by authors with surnames starting with "F" and "G." Most will make you laugh or guffaw. Some will amuse you, and others will simply bring a smile to your face. But hey, a smile is always better than no smile!

In dog training, jerk is a noun, not a verb.

Dr. Dennis Fetko

If your dog thinks you're the greatest person in the world, don't seek a second opinion.

Jim Fiebig

You own a dog; you feed a cat.

Jim Fiebig

No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

W.C. Fields

Fifth Avenue is too expensive for anyone but dogs.

Mel Finkelstein, Daily News

Every dog should have a man of his own. There is nothing like a well-behaved person around the house to spread the dog's blanket for him, or bring him his supper when he comes home man-tired at night.

Corey Ford

Men cannot think like dogs.... [There exists] a sharp difference in the mental capacity of humans and canines. For example, a human who is given an intricate problem will spend all day trying to solve it, but a canine will have the sense to give up and do something else instead.

Corey Ford

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

Corey Ford

When a doting person gets down on all fours and plays with the dog's rubber mouse, it only confuses the puppy and gives him a sense of insecurity. He gets the impression that the world is unstable and wonders whether he is supposed to walk on his hind legs and smoke cigars.

Corey Ford

[Watching a baby being born] is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

Jeff Foxworthy

If you don't mind throwing tennis balls for eternity, I do have an opening in doggie heaven. - Angel at St. Peter's Gate, to a man seeking admittance

Frank and Ernest comic strip

He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.

Benjamin Franklin

There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog and ready money.

Benjamin Franklin

The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.

Michael Friedman

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?" - Woody

"It's a dog-eat-dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." - Norm

From an episode of Cheers

It freshens your breath and helps prevent tartar.

Mel Gibson, while eating a dog biscuit at Harvard University, 1996

Good people all, of every sort,
Give ear unto my song;
And if you find it wondrous short,
It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man,
Of whom the world might say
That still a godly race he ran,
Whene'er he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had,
To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad,
When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp and hound,
And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends;
But when a pique began,
The dog, to gain some private ends,
Went mad and bit the man.

Around from all the neighbouring streets
The wondering neighbours ran,
And swore the dog had lost his wits,
To bite so good a man.

The wound it seemed both sore and sad
To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad,
They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light,
That showed the rogues they lied:
The man recovered of the bite,
The dog it was that died.

Oliver Goldsmith, An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog

Breed a Boxer with a German Shorthaired Pointer, you get a Boxershorts. A dog never seen in public.

Good Dog! magazine

Breed a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu and you get a Bullshitz.

Good Dog! magazine

Breed a Deerhound with a terrier, you get a Derriere. True to the end!

Good Dog! magazine

Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever, you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice for research scientists.

Good Dog! magazine

Breed a Pointer with an Irish Setter, you get a Pointsetter. A traditional Christmas Pet.

Good Dog! magazine

Mix a Newfoundland with a Bassett Hound, you get the Newfound Asset Hound. A dog for financial advisors.

Good Dog! magazine

Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish.

James Gorman

Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail.

Virginia Graham

A dog desires more affection than his dinner.—Well, almost!

Charlotte Gray

Dogs are great assets to candidates, and the feeling seems to be engendered that if a dog loves the candidate, he can't be all that bad.

Dick Gregory

Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

Anthony Griffin

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

Lewis Grizzard

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, "What's in it for me?"

Lewis Grizzard

A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder.

A.R. Gurney